But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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