I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
there is glitter all over my balls
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
