I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
