The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
