Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
