i permit you to call me
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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