Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
