if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
