I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
