My friends, they love my intelligence
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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