this beer tastes like vomit already
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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