Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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