So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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