Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize