Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize