Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize