She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
