I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
