Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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