u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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