you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
