Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
