Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
