the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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