i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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