I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
pray to the hookup gods
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize