I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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