You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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