walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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