So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
