new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
