Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
