by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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