I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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