I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She told me I should be a condom model.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
