When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
