shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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