Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Is it penis luge time yet?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
