Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
