apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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