My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
