If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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