her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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