just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
