end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize