I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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