She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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