he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
