apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
