I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
