Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
