I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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