Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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