Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
