I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
