I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
