my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
