And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
