You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
