There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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