I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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