I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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