my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
