well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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