Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize