I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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